The Royal Order of Silly Hats

Solving Problems by Leaving it to the Authorities
Giraffe: The Other White Meat

After the echoes of grating sounds had died away, the party finished exploring the assassin’s base. They found a set of crates, which Hunny smashed open… revealing jars of liquid, silks, spices, and all of Blacksad’s gear. When the base started flooding with sewage water, they hastily escaped and met up with the guards above.

They headed to the palace to see if they could find a doctor who would be able to determine if the bottles they found contained medicine. Hunny ran ahead and burst in demanding a soft bed. She was arrested by the guards… but Prince Edwin Elderin had them stand down.

The prince promised to do anything in his power to save his friend, Blacksad. He had his servants wake up every doctor in Noname and set up the party in a VIP suite for traveling dignitaries. Hunny curled up in a canopy bed after cuddling with a pile of puppies in the Fluffy Dog Room.

As they waited for doctors, the party talked to Edwin about his plan to convince Gwen to rule alongside him. The prince decided to express his feelings through art by having the party deliver a heartfelt painting to his sister.

Doctors tried various methods on Blacksad: charcoal, leeches, an all-chicken diet, and the medicine stolen from the assassins. By morning, he felt clear-eyed and healthy, aside from the lingering effects of addiction. The party awoke to find that their gear had been rifled through, though nothing was taken.

Edwin was busy in meetings, so he asked the party to meet with him in the evening. They head into town to do some shopping.

At the Crystal Cadaver, a scroll and curios shop, they bought five grab bags containing a Wand of Thunderbolt, Elixir of Health, Necklace of Adaptation, Scroll of Sun Flare, and an Adamantine chain shirt. Hunny bought a Saddle of the Cavalier. Croak bought a Headband of Intellect that was cursed to make him blurt out too much information. The shopkeep threw in a folding boat for free. Mithian tried to get the shopkeeper to track down an item, but the woman would only agree if the party was willing to beat up a rival shopkeeper. So everyone just left.

“Elixir of Health,” said Croak. “Did we just randomly pull an item that would have cured Blacksad of poisoning instantly?”

Down the street, people started shouting and breaking windows. Buildings caught fire. As Croak went to investigate, Mythian and Hunny bought healing potions from PaPaPa-Potions across the street. Hunny spent all her gold on ten Potions of Animal Friendship.

Hunny grinned. “I can totally mount something to claim it as my own and say ‘Now you’re mine for an hour.”

Mithian bought a couple love potions… and then told the shopkeeper that the lady across the street wants to beat him up for some reason.

They caught up with Croak… and saw that the whole district was rioting. They stopped a rioter and asked him why they were doing this. The working class of Noname was starving, since no boats had made it to the island in three months and they believed the nobles were hoarding produce from the farmlands. The nobles had forbidden boat travel out of the city for the sake of public safety, trapping the people in slums where they could only starve.

The rioters attacked the exotic animal zoo called McWallbucks with the intention of making meals out of the animals. They converged on the port, burning warehouses and boats. Led by a man in silver and white armour called General League, the royal guards pushed through the crowd and clubbed the rioters. The party talked it over and decided that this was a problem the guards should handle, since it was a matter of civic order. It was Edwin’s problem.

“Croak,” said Blacksad. “I think we need to tell you that Grandfather is not a nice turtle. He is totally the one destroying all the boats.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. He only attacks pirates.”

“No, man.”

“I believe he’s innocent… but I think we need to talk to him. Maybe he can do something about this.”

A little girl in a sunflower-pattern dress approached Croak and asked if he was talking about the dragon turtle. Her eyes were glazed and unfocused. The party followed her, knowing that she was in a trance.

The girl led them to a man dressed in a trench coat. The stench of rotting meat filled the air. The man asked Croak to introduce him to Grandfather. Croak asked if he was Zeke, but he did not reply. Instead, he told the party to come to the Crescent Cove… and then collapsed into a pile of desiccated remains. Blacksad took his locket… and found it contained a picture of the dead man himself when he had been alive. Hunny shook the little girl until she snapped out of her trance, then the party turned her over to the guards to take home.

The party head back to talk to Edwin… and found the prince was stuck in a series of tense meetings about how to handle the food shortage. The prince decided to open up the city’s winter stores to the people to get through the crisis, even if his father disagreed.

Edwin offered to sneak the party into his father’s war room to check the maps for the cove. But Croak and Blacksad were worried he would get in trouble, so they decided to track down Clove and Rosalee instead to see if they knew the geography of the area well. On the way, Croak wrote a letter to Glink and had it sent by bird.

When they arrived at the warehouse, they found that its windows had been smashed and the building looted. Croak asked a local, who told him that the mob had targeted the mousefolk because their ship was the only one that had passed safely into the port. They had also broken into McWallbucks and eaten all the giraffes.

Blacksad found a blood trail and followed it to an alley where a blind kobold beggar asked for change. Blacksad left him a… present.

The blood trail led to Clove, who was huddled by a dumpster, hiding from the people of the slums. Clove shot an arrow at them and missed. She told them to come no closer. Blacksad saw that she was bleeding from a wound on her chest where one of her ribs was protruding, so he healed her. Croak used his Elixir of Health to cure her alcoholism and allow her to think clearly.

Clove begged the party to help her rescue her sister. Someone had taken Rosalee and the other mousefolk during the middle of the riot, but Clove had only just barely managed to escape. The party asked her to describe the people who had taken Rosalee, but she could only remember that there had been a girl wearing a sunflower-patterned dress.

Croak asked Clove if she knew the location of Crescent Cove. It turned out to be a smuggler’s bay frequently-used by mousefolk and other non-humans to get around the royal family’s prejudiced trading restrictions. She agreed to lead them there.

Under the cover of darkness, the party went to the farmlands beyond the noble district and used Croak’s folding boat to cross the waters. Mithian said ‘you got this’ while Croak and Hunny powered the boat across and Blacksad scanned the waters for rocks.

As the party approached the bay in their boat, Croak announced that they were landing. Pirates emerged onto the decks of the ships beached in the cove, but they decided to ignore them. (Everyone carefully avoided mentioning the word ‘pirate’ around Croak.) Clove led the party to a bar where shady dealings were typically done. She warned everyone to act with an air of confidence and keep a ’don’t fuck with me’ expression at all times.

They walked into the bar, where a group of elderly men were playing Snakes and Ladders. The bartender asked if they would like a drink. Mithian tried to charm him into providing information, but he turned out to be gay.

Hunny punched the bartender in the face and asked him if he had seen any mousefolk. He told her that he had seen some people (he assumed slavers) with mousefolk tied up one of the boats, but he didn’t remember which one. Hunny smashed some bottles and then knocked the game of Snakes and Ladders onto the floor.

Outside, Croak said, “There are 12 boats… We will split up and search each one.”

He used the control word for the folding boat to set up a cabin they could use to rest. At dawn they would strike.

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The Butterfly Effect
"I need to start a graveyard in my petting zoo."

There was a standoff between Hoxie, Mithian, and the assassins at the clinic called Queen Anne’s Mercy. Just as Mithian tried to convince Judith that she was good for the money to buy a poisoner’s kit, Blacksad broke a window and tumbled inside. He had Jeeves carry him into battle.

Hoxie used Detect Thoughts and sensed that Judith was going to attack. She tore a canoe patch off her cloak, retreated through the doorway, and threw the canoe behind her to block the assassins’ path. Mithian fled through the window with Misty Escape. She sent her pseudodragon to find help.

A wolf emerged from the hall and tore into Hoxie’s flesh. Judith snapped the canoe in half and cleared the way for her minion, a kenku dressed in a cloak. He advanced on Hoxie, ready to skewer her with his daggers. Sounds of rasping metal filled the room.

Blacksad asked the butler to take Hoxie to safety. Out of respect, the butler obeyed his wishes and used Dimension Door to bring Hoxie to the street in front of the clinic… leaving Blacksad to fight alone. He leaped out of the window and face-planted beside the hedges. Judith knocked him unconscious with the butt of her dagger.

Solxax and Croak showed up with ten royal guards. They met up with Hoxie and Mithian and then marched inside the clinic. Croak told the receptionist, Willow, to take a day off. The group searched through the clinic and found Blacksad’s blood-trail, which lead into the middle of a room but stopped. Hunny smashed the ground and realized that the floor echoed as if there were a hollow space below. It was Hoxie who discovered a hidden doorway behind a bookcase.

Croak charged into the assassin’s secret underground base, immediately triggering a pressure plate that pelted him with poisoned needles that could not penetrate his armour. Hunny smashed a crate full of ceramic unicorns. Mithian sent her pseudodragon ahead to scout the dining hall.

Hoxie stole a jester’s hat with golden bells from a pedestal at the top of a stairwell. Whenever its bells tinkle, she hears laughter in her mind. Mithian scooped up two of the golden platters on the table… only to realize they were normal platters coated with golden paint and glue. They stuck to her hands, leaving her unable to cast spells with somatic components. The guards tried to eat chicken from the platters and quickly succumbed to poison.

Croak charged ahead into the hallway, only to fall into a spike-pit that snapped shut above him. Solxax managed to avoid the pitfall, but tripped a wire that caused the tunnel to collapse above him. He narrowly escaped being crushed, but the pathway was blocked. Mithian used Move Earth from her ring of spell storing and used it to clear out the debris. The spell uncovered a hidden tunnel behind a thin layer of rock.

Hunny sent her animals ahead to trigger traps. Pumba the boar died under a barrage of of poisoned needles. The giant elk got stuck in a narrow hallway. Ghost the direwolf refused to follow Hunny’s orders and fled back to the surface. When Hunny moved ahead to free her elk from the hallway, she noticed that there was a room full of butterflies at the bottom of a stairwell.

As soon as Hunny entered the room, a swarm of butterflies descended upon her, trapping her beneath the combined weight of their tiny bodies. As they swarmed over her, they attacked her skin with their poisoned bite. The party had to work together to free her. Mithian tore off the dinner plates stuck to her hands so that she could use her magic. (RIP Mithian’s skin) During the chaos, Hunny managed to capture four butterflies in a net. Hunny swore vengeance on all butterflies and then crushed her captives beneath her hammer.

Hunny found a kitten in a cage filled with the butterflies’ last meal. She named her new pet ‘Die, Butterflies, Die!’

Meanwhile, Blacksad woke up tied to a bed in a room without a doorway. Judith told him that a client had paid them very well to make sure that his death would be slow and painful, so they would allow the poison to take its course. Judith’s wolf appeared beside her and she placed her hand on its back, disappearing into thin air.

Croak and Solxax led the way deep into the underground tunnels. The tunnel walls transitioned from jagged stone to softer, reddish sandstone layers. Croak tried to pummel some of the sandstone… only to send spores of russet mold into the air. Croak blew it back with his Wind Fan.

As Croak rounded the corner of the tunnel, he was faced with a fork. He and Solxax took the left path, turning their backs to the right branch behind them.

And then Judith appeared with the wolf at her side. She launched a sneak attack at Solxax’s back, stabbing him multiple times. Solxax lost consciousness, hovering on the edge of life and death, until Hoxie pulled him to safety and stabilized him.

Blacksad managed to struggle free from his restraints, but doubled over with exhaustion from the exertion. He could hear sounds of fighting beyond his room, so he strained against the wall with his bare hands, desperate to claw through to the passageway where his friends were fighting for their lives.

Enraged at the sight of Solxax’s wounds, the team surrounded Judith. Croak attacked her, but was pushed back by the wolf’s icy Frost Breath. Hoxie, Hunny, and Mithian pelted Judith with attacks. When she tried to retreat behind her wolf, she triggered Croak’s Booming Blade. The assassin fell unconscious on the cavern floor… but was rescued by her wolf’s Dimension Door spell.

Hunny smashed the wall that separated Blacksad from the party.

…But before the party could celebrate, rasping metallic sounds echoed through the tunnels around them.

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In Search of a Cure
“That's no island. That's Grandfather!”

The party set out to bring Gwen’s letter to her brother, Edwin.

They walked back to Haysport and met up with the mouse-folk that Croak had promised to help. Rosalee hesitantly agreed to hand over the deed to her boat if the party promised to use it to get the boat back from the townspeople. Hoxie and Sulxax stayed with the caravan to guard it during the night. They found their way to the ship’s graveyard where everyone had agreed to rendezvous. Sulxax stayed up to fix an old rowboat, while Hoxie found an old burlap sack that contained mementos from her mother’s youth.

Croak, using his reputation as the Hero of the Slums, found a helpful stranger to point him in the right direction. At the same time, he learned that none of the boats heading to Noname have made it safely into the harbour. He recommended keeping to the shallows, but that longer route would take three weeks. Blacksad’s poison would kill him by then.

The boat was broken and lying on a sandbar in the harbour. A strange woman agreed to give it to him, then sped away; Blacksad immediately realized that it was Shelley Bellemere in disguise, but she had already gotten away. He convinced Croak to steal the woman’s boat, the Grandmothers’ Rope, to use as a decoy to cross the seas. Inside her cabin, they found a letter from Zeke, the Herald of Leviathan.

Croak appealed to the better nature of the people of Haysport and asked for their aid in fixing the boat for the mousefolk. He showed them the deed to the boat, since people were still hesitant to help the mousefolk that they blamed for the fires of the slums. They agreed to help their hero, though they did so in a state of drunken revelry, as if in the midst of a festival.

Using her sensuality, Mithian charmed the workers to make them work faster and harder. They finished the boat repairs overnight. With Croak’s strength, the three of them were able to get the boats over to the ship’s graveyard. Mithian sent her pseudodragon to the caravan to give the signal for them to meet up. The mouse-folk used the repaired rowboat to reach the boats.

They headed into the open sea. Croak, Blacksad, and Clove were on guard, watching the sea. Blacksad took a moment to contemplate life and all its beauty; the ocean’s breeze stirred his poetic soul. Hoxie convinced Rosalie to make a business partnership with her; Rosalie could have exclusive distribution rights to all of the coral Hoxie had acquired from the chasm. Mithian stayed below decks to have some quality time with her fey boyfriend. Solxax trained, oblivious.

Blacksad spotted an island in the distance. It was tiny, a stereotype of a lonely and deserted island. Rosalie confirmed that it wasn’t on any maps. She tried to steer the boat around it, but the island kept pace with them. It approached closer, then disappeared beneath the waves.

Croak dove. He swam closer and greeted Grandfather, who had come to swallow the ships. The dragon turtle assured him that he was patrolling the seas to keep them safe from pirates. He again asked Croak to join him, and then asked after the contents of the ships. Once he learned that the ship was crewed by mousefolk, he let it pass. When the party docked in Noname, dockworkers scrambled to service them. They were the first boat to pass safely into its harbours in months.

The party set out to track down the assassins associated with the hornet sigil. Croak and Blacksad staked out an alley, waiting for the most suspicious thug they could find to pass through. Croak confronted a tattooed half-orc and demanded answers.

Mithian stepped in to prevent a fight. She soothed the stranger and allowed him to pet her pseudodragon. He told her that he had seen graffiti that looked like the hornet sigil on the necklace Blacksad carried. It was on an old brick building on the university’s campus.

The party called it a night. The next day, they searched until they found marks of cleaned graffiti on the library. Hoxie decided to break into the library. The walls of the hallway were filled with ‘Class of XX’ pictures. Solxax spotted Shan in a class photo from 100 years ago. Since they knew what year she had graduated, they were able to break into the student records office and dig up information about ‘Liadon’ from around the same time.

They learned that his full name was Liadon Silverfrond. His graduation bio indicated that he was going to open up a clinic. Due to Mithian’s noble background, she remembered that Queen Amy, before her death, had opened a lot of public works like clinics. In the library, under the ‘local history’ section, she found a book that detailed the late queen’s achievements, which even included a photo of a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a clinic: there was Liadon, shaking her hand. The picture even showed the address of the clinic.

The party went to the artisan’s district, where they were picked out by the guards due to their dishevelled appearance. The guards were ready to arrest them due to a disturbance, when Croak whipped out the letter from Gwen. The guard seized him and Solxax, but Hoxie was able to slip away with Mithian and Blacksad.

The guards, after searching them for weapons, took Croak and Solxax to see Edwin Elderin… who the party already knew as Edwin Elderberry.

Croak delivered the letter. Edwin Elderberry was shocked to learn that his sister, Gwen, had declared war with the intention of taking the kingdom from him. He implored Croak for help. Ever heroic, Croak agreed, so long as the price was willing to help find the antidote to the poison that was killing Blacksad. Edwin swore to save Blacksad, his true friend.

Meanwhile, Mithian decided to crash with her friend Beth RayAnne, a local noblewoman. Her butler greeted the door and took immediate care of Blacksad, taking him to the sitting room to lie down. Beth knew something about the clinic, called ‘Queen Amy’s Mercy,’ and gave Mithian instructions on how to give a coded signal to the receptionist to indicate that they wanted ‘special service.’ The pass-phrase was, “My poor great-uncle Pete is bedridden with cholera.” Beth RayAnne gave a letter to Mithian that vouched for her noble pedigree, even if she was foreign-born.

In the morning, dressed in nice silk PJs, the party went to the clinic. The butler fireman-carried Blacksad. Outside the door, Hoxie heard a strange grating noise, but she was unable to spot its source. Mithian convinced Blacksad to stay outside with the butler. As soon as he was left alone, he heard the strange grating sound and saw a hooded figure looking down on him from the roof. Blacksad downed some drugs, eager to investigate, trampling flower bushes. But he was too weak to climb up the building. The butler convinced him to stay put.

Mithian and Hoxie went in and gave the pass-phrase to the receptionist. They were taken into the backroom and introduced to Judith Liadon, who offered them package deals on poisons. Mithian indicated that she wanted a ‘do it yourself kit’ that would allow her to get a boy out of her life. Something that would make him suffer, nice and slow. But did the kit come with an antidote in case the poison accidentally afflicted the wrong person?

After inspecting Mithian’s documents, Judith agreed that she had such a poison. It would only be 100,000 gold, and she’d throw in the antidote. Mithian tried to convince Judith to accept her signet ring as collateral, but that she was ‘good for’ the rest.

“No.” Judith grinned. “I think you’re lying.”

With grating rasp, a hooded kenku appeared from the window. He held his dagger to Mithian’s throat…

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Rock the Dragon
If someone won't join your petting zoo, break their wings

After days of wandering around in a state of drunken hallucination, Hoxie came home. Her father gave her a cup of tea and she went to her bedroom for a well-deserved rest… only to find Blacksad passed out in her childhood bed. She threw the scalding tea in his face. He woke up and vomited all over her stuffed toys. Then he passed out…

…Until the scent of kobold wafted into the house. The party set out to rid Quartz Peak of kobolds.

On the way to the guild, Glink saw that the ‘dude with the guitar’ statue was broken. Moved to tears, he pulled out his special guitar and played a dirge for his lost love. Then he declared that if the party could retake the guild without his instruments being harmed, he would pay them each 500 gold.

Blacksad caught another waft of kobold stench on the stairwell leading to guild, but could see no enemy. A heavy mist hung in the air. Their footsteps echoed strangely. Quartz Peak was deserted, though someone had planted pine saplings everywhere.

With Hoxie strapped to her back, Hunny charged in.

A bomb flew out of the mist, landing at Hunny’s feet. Its explosion rained shrapnel on Hoxie and Hunny. The party had been separated, ambushed on the middle of a stairwell overlooked by high-ground, and flanked by kobolds with readied bows.

A rasping draconic voice called from the mist, “I want the bard. I need him for my collection.”

The party charged to the head of the staircase, trying to break free of the ambush. They attacked the kobold chieftain who stood in their way.

A shadow passed through the mist overhead. A cloud of poison gas engulfed Hunny and Hoxie, leaving them choking and gasping for breath. A dragon emerged from the mist, clearing the air with the beat of its wings. The kobolds pleaded to it for deliverance from their plight.

“Iris,” they called. “Iris will save us!”

Sulxax was smitten immediately. Although green dragons are the hicks of dragonkind, he decided to woo Iris because of her glossy scales.

Iris retreated to the roof of the guild, allowing her kobold minions to pelt the party with missile weapons. Hunny threw a lasso around Iris’s neck and then tried to use it to climb onto her back. Croak grabbed hold of the rope right before Iris took off, flew 80 feet into the air, and tore the rope as if it were paper. Hunny started plunging to her death, but Croak’s quick thinking (and a ring of feather falling) brought them gently back to Earth.

Meanwhile, Iris snatched up Glink, holding him hostage in her mouth. The party stood down, though Hunny managed to finally scale the dragon’s back. Sulxax tried to chat up Iris; she explained to him that she had come to Quartz Peak because her forest was destroyed by an earthquake. She liked to collect musicians and she wanted Glink so that be part of a concert she had planned that would involve the finest musicians of the world. Glink decided he was okay with this.

Hoxie convinced the dragon that she was Glink’s manager. She demanded a cut. The dragon bid her down from 40% to 30%. They agreed to draw up a contract, so Iris flew up to the rooftop to where she kept her lawyer. (In a cage, alongside some malnourished musicians.) Hoxie took some paper from Gwen’s desk and started drawing up a completely 100% legit and reasonable contract. Hunny took a nap on the dragon’s back.

Croak took Blacksad to Shan’s room, where she gave him a mushroom. In a drugged state, he hallucinated happy images, like dancing mushrooms, torturing Tim the trustworthy, and bathing in kobold blood. Blacksad wandered away into the mess hall, where Croak found him sleeping on a pile of dead kobolds. Croak took Blacksad back to Shan’s room and they tied him to a bed.

Shan showed Blacksad that she had revived Precious. The dog had been stitched back together. It smelled of lavender and its eyes were covered in a white film. It curled up on Blacksad’s chest. They locked eyes and its blank gaze, Blacksad felt a profound, soul-deep understanding.

On the roof, Hunny asked Iris if she would like to join her petting zoo. Iris declined, as she felt herself overqualified for a position involving giving rides to small children. In a rage, Hunny snapped the dragon’s wing. Iris whipped her head back, grabbed Hunny in her jaws, and threw her off the roof. Hunny fell three stories, surviving only because her fall was broken by Sulxax. (He had come out to the yard to search for something that the kobolds had stolen from his room.)

Hoxie rushed out of the guild hall, trying to convince everyone to calm down. After all, they were all ready to draw up a contract that would create a working relationship between them. Iris told her that if she wanted to work with her, Hoxie would need to kill Hunny and bring her corpse to the balcony.

Croak charged out onto the balcony to attack Iris. Hoxie’s obsidian dagger whispered to her, telling her that if Croak were dead, there would be no one standing in the way of her ambitions. Who was it who stopped her from stealing? Who had kept the dragon turtle’s hoard all to himself? If Croak were gone, she and Iris would be rich.

The sounds of fighting roused Blacksad. With a bed strapped to his back and a zombie puppy in his shirt, he climbed the stairs and crawled to the balcony… just in time to watch Hoxie charge Croak, plunging her dagger into his chest. The dagger chipped against his armour. Blacksad stuck Hoxie in the back of the head using the bed, knocking her unconscious.

Iris took advantage of the confusion to breath poison over Croak, Hoxie, and Blacksad. Blacksad retreated, dragging Hoxie to safety. Croak stood calm, unscarred, unafraid.

“What are you?” snapped Iris.

“I’m the hero of the slums,” said Croak. His sword was wreathed in green flame. With a swipe of his arm, he slashed the dragon across its belly, knocking her off-balance. Iris fell, snapping her neck as she hit the ground.

Sulxax used the guild washroom. From the magic beans in his shit, a Sulxax statue was born.

It looked him in the eye and said, “She was the only love you will ever have. Now that Iris is gone, you will die alone. You’re too stupid to understand metaphors.” Sulxax dragged the statue to his bedroom and covered it with a sheet.

Gwen showed up and took charge. She made sure the wounded were treated. She mercy-killed the kobolds she encountered. And then she saw Precious.

“My dog!” she shouted. “Why do you have him? That’s my childhood dog!”

“This is my dog,” shrieked Blacksad. “You can’t have him. We shared our souls. I’ve had this dog for all my life since 30 minutes ago.”

Gwen gently led Blacksad to bed and took Precious away.

The party stayed in Quartz Peak, aiding in the rebuilding. Croak fixed the outhouse. Sulxax destroyed the outhouse with a geyser of vinegar. Croak fixed it again.

Gwen led efforts to rebuild and paid 1000 gold to each member of the party. After a week had passed, she approached the party.

“You are the only one I can rely on,” said Gwen. She gave a letter to Croak and got his word that it would not be opened. “It’s an official guild job. I need you to deliver a letter… to my brother, Edwin, in Noname.”

Shan told Blacksad that she knew no antidote to his poison, but that the hornet sigil had something to do with an assassin’s guild in Noname. He should seek out a former pharmacy student named Liadon. She had met him in university when she was studying forensic anthropology. Shan gave Blacksad three vials of medicine, which he should take in drops. They would help him manage his pain. She also gave him a dose of morphine large enough to end his life, in case he wished to die painlessly.

“After a couple weeks, you’re going to be paralyzed,” said Shan. “It’s a bad way to die. You might prefer the morphine.”

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The Siege of Quartz Peak
Solving Problems with Heroin

After a night of celebration in Haysport, the group started out for Quartz Peak so they could track down Shan and find an antidote for Blacksad’s poison. Hunny and a few others mounted her giant goat, while Croak and Glink rode a horse.

No one could find Hoxie. She is missing, presumed drunk. A ghost dog wags its tail in her booze-induced dreams.

An earthquake startled the horse. Crows flew away in great flocks and the small rodents of the forest fled to shelter. The giant ivory goat trudged placidly onward.

In Owen’s Woods, they encountered a group of mouse folk hiding with their caravan. After Clove fired an arrow at the group, her sister Rosalee smoothed things over. She asked for help in recovering their stolen cargo and ship: Croak promised to help them after his business in Quartz Peak.

Blacksad passed out from the effects of the poison. Rosalee sold the group some heroin to get Blacksad back on his feet. Hunny administered the dose—a little more than might have been wise—so Blacksad bounded ahead through the forest, tingling with energy.

They continued onward (and the giant goat vanished). A stream of travelers on foot carrying household possessions passed in the opposite direction. Hunny’s teenage petting zoo assistant approached her. In his arms, he was carrying her prized pig. She demanded to know what he was doing away from the job. He responded that he wasn’t paid enough to stay in a crisis and requested his paycheck. Hunny punched him in the face.

Hoxie’s mother wandered over. She found the group familiar, but couldn’t remember how she knew them. She told them she was going for a nice walk in the woods, but to tell Hoxie that her father had locked himself in the basement to protect all of their valuables from those ‘lizard things.’

“Mother-fucking Kobolds,” said Blacksad.

The party looked for a more reasonable source of information. They found Gwen organizing the evacuation, directing Barb and Fred to help injured townspeople. A super-high Blacksad walked up to her and said, “Hi, Princess.” While she struggled to recover, he walked way.

After begging the group not to tell anyone about her alleged lineage, Gwen told them that kobolds had emerged from the chasm up the secret stairwell. In a rage over their ‘grandfather’ going missing, they had taken over the town, ransacked its shops and houses, and driven its people away. They held Fred and Shan captive in the guild hall.

Hunny raced ahead to check on her petting zoo, only to find that filthy kobolds were riding her animals or carrying them away towards the guild hall. In a rage, she swung at a kobold carrying away her pet cat, only to miss and break its back legs. Blacksad charged into the fray, his grasp of reality so loose that he impaled Hunny’s pig and sheep by mistake. He bit a kobold’s neck and then beat it to death. The rest of the party mopped up the kobolds and then cornered their leader. He was a strange Kobold who downed a bottle of poison, declared that someone named Iris would destroy them, and then died.

In the end, Blacksad healed Hunny’s animals. None of them died, but a certain sheep would be traumatized for the rest of its life. Its wool was stained red with blood. Hunny found that the kobolds had been in her house, so she threw out all her furniture into a pile and lit it on fire.

The group hurried on to the merchant district to put out fires and rescue the town, Hoxie’s family, and the party’s precious, precious coral. There they met…. more kobolds. Sulxax spent the entire encounter slaying one kobold, but he managed it. (Yay, Sulxax.)

Croak put out the fire with a blast of Thunder Wave (the lumber shop may have received a little… structural damage in the process.)

Blacksad was hit with a second dose of poison and went blind; nevertheless, he still hit everything he aimed for. It was as if the drugs in his system put him in touch with the ebb and flow of the universe.

Hunny raged with her direwolf at her side; wherever the pair went, kobolds died in a spray of red mist. Suffering traps, poisoned arrows, and fanatic Kobold suicide attacks with grenades, the party was victorious.

Croak questioned the kobold leader, who told them that he hoped to avenge Grandfather, the guardian of the orb hidden in the chasm. Hunny admitted that she had smashed it; the kobold called them fools with his dying breath.

…And then Croak force-healed him and demanded more answers. The kobold told them that the orb was one of four keys that bind a creature so powerful that even the dragons feared it.

Blacksad walked over and stabbed the kobold in the throat. It choked to death on its own blood. Everyone looked at him.

“What,” Blacksad said. “I thought the conversation was over.”

He walked over to the direwolf and tried to pet it. It bit his hand.

Blacksad sighed. “I’ve been super-poisoned, addicted to heroin, and now infected with rabies. Best day ever.”

They knocked on the door of the pawn shop. Hoxie’s dad answered and let them in for some soup and rest. He paid them out their coral profits and gave Croak a little extra in exchange for a promise that he would protect Hoxie and keep her on the straight and narrow.

Solxax used the outhouse. Out of his shit emerged a Bulette, which immediately bit the outhouse in two. The sound of splintering wood attracted the attention of the party. Hunny climbed onto the monster’s back and hugged it, trying to convince it to allow her to ride it. The Bulette only thought of her as a friend and was uncomfortable with her attempts to push the relationship further. Blacksad, Solxax, and Croak ganged up on the creature, killing it.

Hoxie’s dad asked Croak if he could repair his outside. Croak swore to do so, right after he helps the mouse folk, saves Blacksad from poison, and retakes the town from kobolds.

Somewhere in the distance, a creature roared. The party turned towards the guild hall, which was shrouded in a strange green mist.

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Taking Mont's Villa
Always Bring Your Bow to a Poetry Reading

The party got drunk and celebrated with the townspeople after slaying giants. Hoxie vanished—presumed drunk and passed out.

The party found a pious woman named ‘Shannon’ at the church of the ‘Harvest Beetle’ and tried to unload all of Mont’s silver. But she refused it; as much as she would love to use the money to feed hungry orphans, she feared Mont’s ire. (Solax promised him to bring Mont’s ‘eye’ as ‘ire’ was not in his vocabulary.)

While Croak went around town asking for information on Mont’s base, Blacksad sneaked into the poetry reading. The rest of the party milled about the area, waiting for the poetry to start.

As Blacksad crept up onto a catwalk overlooking the stage, a crossbow bolt struck him in the back. An assassin came out of hiding and whispered “Courtesy of Trustworthy Tim” before plunging a poisoned dagger into Blacksad’s chest.

“No,” said Blacksad. “The courtesy is all mine.” He shoved the assassin over the edge of the catwalk. Hunny crushed the man’s skull before he could be interrogated.
Blacksad’s vision started blurring and he realized that the poison was lingering in his system. The party decided to track down Aunt Sally. They found her grand-daughter, Sally Junior, at the teashop. She gave them some willowbark tea and sent them to Sally over by the inn. Sally gave Blacksad mysterious drugs and told him that he would need to identify the poison before anyone can figure out the antidote.

At the door to Mont’s village, the party encountered two giants. One of them was carrying a spear… which he was wielding like a club. The party hastily killed one giant. The second fled through the door into the villa… where he was scorched by the breath of a Bahir. The creature was mute, as its tongue had been removed by the slavers who captured it.

The Bahir strained against the chains binding it to the wall. Hunny approached, smacking it with her hammer. The Bahir chomped on her, then wrapped its chains around her to bind her. It drooled over her, anticipating swallowing her whole… until it caught sight of its mortal enemy: Solax, a dragonborn.

Hunny broke free, snapping the chains that bound the Bahir to the wall. It charged at Solax, gnawed on his shoulder, and then squeezed him in a death-hug. Croak, Mythian, Blacksad, and Hunny worked together to bring the creature down before it could finish off Solax. Blacksad found a bracer that had survived the acid of the Bahir’s digestive system. Solax kept the spear that had belonged to the giant.

Upstairs, the party freed Glink (who had managed to safely smuggle a whistle in the only part of his body that was not searched). Solax found a bag of beans sitting on the table; he popped five beans into his mouth.

In the hallway, the party discovered a huge metal vault. They left it behind and went straight to Mont’s office. Unfortunately, the time they took to fight their way in allowed Mont to escape. Glink asked the party to shove the pieces of his shattered guitar down Mont’s throat. The party leaped out the window to chase after Mont. (On the way out, Hunny noticed a pretty Goat statue and snatched it off the desk.)

Mythian sent her fairy dragon after Mont and used her powers to watch through the dragon’s eyes. She tracked it back to Aunt Sally’s tea shop. The party raced to the tea shop to save Jenny and Aunt Sally from Mont… but by the time they arrived, Aunt Sally had been stabbed and beaten up Mont with a stick. Jenny had managed to free herself.
Hunny was going to shove Glink’s guitar pieces down Mont’s throat, but Croak diffused the situation and convinced Mont that he would be much better off surrendering. If he did so, Croak would turn him over to the guards for justice rather than beating him up and then turning him over to the guards for justice. (Nevermind what the rest of the party might do.) Mont gave up and provided information, including the combination to his safe and details about ‘the heir’ (Gwen is allegedly a princess).

The party went back to the villa and opened the safe: they found 25,000,000 silver pieces, a strange cloak, a ring, and a gemstone. Croak decided to return the money to the people. Everyone agreed that this was the right thing to do. They brought the silver to the church of the Harvest Beetle, where the priestess swore that she would distribute the money to feed and cloth the orphans of Haysport.

After a day of good deeds (mostly), the party returned to the inn for some well earned rest. Croak identified some of the treasures they had found:
-stone of good luck
-bracers of archery
-robe of useful items
-ring of spell storing (1 charge of Crusader’s Mantle, 1 Move Earth, 1 Stone Skin)
-ivory goats (Figurine of Wondrous Power)
All hail the terror goat!

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Return to Haysport
I Hate This Town. Why Can't These People Solve Their Own Problems?

The party reached Haysport and found Sulxax, another member of the guild, waiting for them on the bridge: they knew him by his athletic reputation.

On their way to the wheat fields where Mont’s villa is reputed to be, they assaulted a hotdog salesman, released his merchandise (possums), and stole the contents of his wallet. This attracted the attention of a hill giant patrolling the town, so the party fled across the shipping district bridge and snuck by the inn across the bridge by the noble’s district. They learned from the local guard that Mont has taken control of the town and is employing hill giants.

They witnessed another giant extorting money from a shopkeeper and decided that this was the moment to take a heroic stand. They stabbed the giant in the back before he could defend himself, then tied up his feet so that he fell to the ground. Then, they cut him and splattered his brains on the paving stones. Another giant showed up in time to watch in horror and then died as the party ganged up on him.

Soaked in blood, Hoxie stood dazed; she saw the shadow of a dog creeping through the streets, wagging its tail. It disappeared into the crowd.

The party took a leisurely stroll up to the tea shop to talk to Auntie Sally. They learned a few things: the dragon turtle has been terrorizing the seas and even attacked the harbour of Haysport, scuttling ships. William Shagbark will be doing a poetry reading tomorrow to benefit children who have been traumatized by being shaken by barbarians. And Cap is staying in the inn, since his hideout was flooded.

The party walked back to the inn. They were followed by a crowd of people eager to see if more giants will be slain. At the inn, they found Ginabelle Whistlesprocket and Cap. They learned that Jenny was kidnapped by the giants. They also learned that Mont is paying off the giants with goats.

Blacksad, who had been keeping watch outside, saw giants converging on their location. He ran inside, warning the party. They snuck out through the kitchen, intending to sneak over the bridge. There, Blacksad overheard one of the giants mutter about how he was going to destroy the inn. Blacksad, unable to keep silent, told Croak.

Croak ran back to the inn, warning all of the workers and guests inside. Then he tried to reason with the giants, convincing them not to attack the inn because there were people inside. Blacksad and Hunny tried to entice them with meat. The giants loved smashing too much to be convinced.

Croak told them that he had a present for them and got the four giants to stand together at the base of the inn. In the kitchen, he grabbed a pot of boiling oil, climbed up to the second story, and poured the oil on all four giants. Then he lit them on fire with his green flame blade.

The party engaged the giants in the streets, exchanging blows. Pirate Pumba died under the weight of a falling giantess. Sulxax nearly died after being crushed by a club.
The giants succumbed to the flames and the rain of blows. Before a crowd of cheering onlookers, the party stood heroically on the backs of the fallen giants. Croak’s cloak fluttered in the wind.

“The hero of the slums!” chanted the people of Haysport. They took up arms, ready to burn Mont’s villa to the ground.

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Don't Put a Dog in a Bag of Holding
I Could Punch it a Little to Make it Look Like an Accident

Exhausted and half-dead from their encounter with the cultists, the party took advantage of the hospitality of Edwin Elderberry, local eccentric noble.

And when I say ‘take advantage,’ I mean it.

In the middle of the night, Hoxie stole everything that was not nailed down. She broke the lock on a basement room and encountered a yappy dog. She wrapped it in a blanket to muffle its bark, gave it a sharp jab to teach it who was boss, and then shoved it into a bag of holding to quiet it. Then she stole Edwin’s magic paint salamanders, his beads, his ruby nipples, and his diary.

She went back to the bag of holding to check on the dog… and pulled out a dog corpse. At that very moment, Hunny woke up. She screamed ‘Why is there a dog corpse?’ The party (and Edwin) woke up.

Hoxie ran away to the Grand Leak to dispose of the body. Hunny chased after her, convinced her not to throw the dog corpse in the water. They debated whether or not to run the dog over with a wagon and pretend it had just ‘been in an accident.’

“I could punch in a little,” Hunny said reassuringly.

They eventually decided to bury it together.

Meanwhile, Croak swore to Edwin to find his sister’s dog and avenge the break-in. Blacksad covered over Hoxie’s tracks (so that Croak would not figure out the truth), and then confronted Hoxie, demanding back the dairy. (For he truly could empathize with the loss of a diary.) He returned the diary to Edwin, who asked him to visit if he ever comes to edamame.

Mithian woke up from a long sleep and charmed Edwin and Jenny, telling them to be quiet.

The party went back to the Order of the Gazing Seagull and found Ginabell and the pegasus. Gina told them the truth of the ‘pillar of the world’ that Hunny had destroyed. (Oops) She accepted her husband’s corpse / broken Keen-edge.

The party returned to Quartz Peak, where they bought new gear. Croak commissioned dragon-scale armour and picked up studded leather for Hoxie. Blacksad bought an arrow of dragon-slaying. Hoxie unloaded some stolen goods at her father’s store and they discussed their human trafficking ring. Later at the guild, she convinced Shan to go back to Lamure and revive the dead dog. Cheerfully, Shan headed off into the night.

Mithian joined the guild officially! And then the party set off to rescue Glink… and encountered a lady on the edge of town who told them the grim spectacle planned in Haysport. The villagers will burn a group of Mouse Folk at the stake in retaliation for Odrick’s attack on the slums.

“Well,” said Croak. “We have to do something about that.”

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The Battle of Lamure
Saving the World by Stealing a Child's Blanket

Croak used his ‘ring of feather fall’ to gently descend into the chasm, where he convinced Grandfather to allow himself to be turned into a tiny turtle with a high-pitched voice. He then used his ‘Fly’ scroll to return to the surface…

Meanwhile, the party ventured into Lamure and met a little old lady who begged them to tell the guard at Haysport about the cult running the town. Hunny was attacked by a small boy brandishing a stick; he was wearing a well-loved security blanket as a cloak, so Hoxie knocked him unconscious with the butt end of her dagger and stole it.

Blacksad climbed onto the roof of a cottage to see if he could see any cultists. Across the room from him, he spotted a noble called Edwin Elderberry who was painting the Grand Leak. Blacksad noticed that the tarp the noble was standing on was purple, so he leaped across and convinced Edwin to give it to him. The party crafted the tarp into disguises.
From there, Blacksad, Hunny, Hoxie, and Ruick went to the precipice over the Grand Leak, the spot where Zeke told Micah to meet him. Under falling darkness, a storm built. Lightning snaked through the clouds. A hooded figure stood at the tip of the rocky outcropping. Behind him, Ginabelle floated unconscious in a bubble suspended in midair.

Keen-edge convinced the party to set him down in the ground and step back. He carried on a silent conversation with The Herald, who promised him something in return.
He handed over Ginabelle as a gesture of good faith. The party placed her on the back of Jenny’s pegasus and then asked it to take off, taking Ginabelle out of danger.

The Herald took up the sword and told the party that he would spare their lives. If they fled to high ground now, they might survive the night.

“I’m sorry,” said Keen-edge. “I made a deal to save your lives. This is how it has to be… You have no chance against him.”

The party refused to leave. Ruick tried to strike him with his magic book, but Zeke dodged it. Hoxie threw a knife, but it was deflected. Blacksad shot an arrow, but it missed.

With a flick of his hand, The Herald deluged the party under a tidal surge. He casually strode on the waves as they passed underfoot.

“I will not tolerate insolence,” said The Herald.

One by one, the party fled. Ruick took a potshot and missed—the herald retaliated with a ice storm that brought the party to its knees and left the ground slick with ice.

At that moment, Croak emerged from the chasm and confronted The Herald and Keen-edge. He told the party to run while he held off the enemy. The Herald disappeared in a puff of mist… and then Croak summoned Keen-edge, forcing his sword back into his hand against its will.

Keen-edge admitted that he had agreed to aid The Herald in exchange for him guaranteeing Ginabelle’s life in the coming flood. However, since she was out of danger, he agreed to tell the party how to disrupt the ritual. It was being conducted at the top of the tower: they would need to take out one of the mages casting the spell of wind or water or make the sacrifice unwilling.

The party decided to try to take out Shelley Bellemere, as she was the only mage with wind magic, while both Jenny and The Herald could cast water.

Croak took Gratherfather out of his pocket. He resumed normal size, and the party rode on the giant turtle’s back through the village. Without stealth or guile, they rode him to the tower and climbed in the third floor window.

Hoxie tried to roam the rooms for treasure, while Blacksad did his best to convince her that this was not the time: “It’s the end of the world and you’re looking for god-damned hats!”

She fell through the floor and landed in a room with a treasure chest. Blacksad shot an arrow at the chest, trying to convince her to leave it behind. The startled mimic attacked, chomping on Hoxie. Hunny jumped down to save her friend. After the mimic was dead, they found a ten foot silver flamingo statue inside its belly.

Meaningwhile, Croak swung across a hole in the ground. He and Ruick reached the next floor, where Croak convinced the kobolds to abandon the tower and join Grandfather. Hunny rejoined them. Croak noticed that the walls of the maze on this floor were of newer stone than the walls of the tower, so he told the party to search for secret passages. Hunny smashed the wall instead.

On the fifth floor, the party found The Herald, Jenny, and Shelley Bellemere. Keen-edge, floating into the air, took a swing at Croak. But his aim was not true. Through their mental link, Keen-edge told him that he had to ‘keep up appearances’ to convince the Herald that he was working for him. He told the Herald that Croak had stolen him away.
As the party surrounded him, pelting him with projectiles, The Herald counterattacked them with shards of ice. Both Ruick and Hoxie went down. They lay unconscious, hovering on the verge of death. Shelley Bellemere blew Croak back with a blast of wind.
The Herald tried to move to a better position, but Croak struck him with Booming Blade. Hunny smashed the ground, which cracked under the bitter cold of the ice, and tore a hole under the Herald’s feet. But from below, he struck them with a massive thunderwave.

Croak ran across the floor and grabbed Jenny, though she struggled. He shouted, “Everyone get out of the windows, now!” Then he climbed to the next floor, put the ring on Jenny’s finger, and threw her off the roof. He shouted to Grandfather to destroy the tower and interrupt the ritual.

Hunny grabbed Hoxie and jumped out of a fifth-storey window, landing with a bone-crunching force. Luckily, her rage kept her standing when lesser half-orcs would have fallen. Blacksad rescued Ruick and jumped onto Grandfather’s back out the window. Mist escaped through the cracks of the tower.

The tower fell.

Croak survived, but lost an eye to falling debris. Keen-edge was snapped in half. He mental voice was silent.

Battered, bruised, but alive… the party faced The Grand Leak, hoping that they had done enough to interrupt the ritual.

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Riddles in Esterway
Do You Have to Solve a Riddle to Use the Washroom?

The party received a letter from Glink, telling them he was in trouble. At the same time, they received a letter from the Herald of Leviathan, threatening doom.

While fighting sentient plants, the party met Mithian, a bored teenager with a fay boyfriend and magic powers.

Mithian led the party to Esterway, which can only be accessed by a rope bridge over a moat filled with giant spiders. There they met a half-orc guard named Clog (and his pet Owlbear named Dog) who demanded that the party solve riddles before they could enter. With much cheating, the party were all able to answer their riddles and prove themselves to be true intellectuals worthy of entering the town.

In Esterway, no one may give directions through the town unless travelers answer riddles. The way to the tavern passed through the vineyard, where Hunny and Blacksad found Jenny’s wounded Pegasus. They calmed and healed it, and promised to rescue Jenny.

Ruick got drunk at the tavern, while the rest of the group headed to the library. Some stoners shared their wisdom on the way. Under the light of a glowing tree in the library courtyard, they asked the resident Sphinx where they could find Glen, the leader of the Order of the Gazing Seagull.

The Sphinx sighed and demanded that they solve a riddle in exchange for the information. The depressed Sphinx told them it secretly hated riddles, but was afraid to make a career change so late in life—deep down, it wanted to be a bard but its claws could not hold the instruments and its voice was too terrible to sing. But Blacksad offered it the friendship and encouragement it needed, telling it to chase its dreams. They exchanged info and became pen pals.

Croak approached Glen and offered him a diamond in exchange for two spells. Glen took the diamond upfront (as Croak trusted him) and told the party to rest overnight in an inn. He asked them if they really believed reality in a world where illusion magic can be conjured at will—what if reality itself is an illusion. The party’s minds were not expanded, so they went to bed. In the middle of the night, Keen Edge asked Croak for reassurance that Ginabelle would be okay.

In the morning, Croak picked up the spells that Glen promised would probably work. He also asked how Shan was doing, not that he had a daughter or anything. Croak flew on ahead on the back of the Pegasus, as he had a promise to keep to a giant turtle.
The rest of the party carried on through the woods, where they were ambushed by a carnivorous tree. Its vines dragged victims towards its hungry maw. Hunny lit the tree on fire by throwing a lit torch. Ruick tried to convince everyone to just leave (after all, the tree could not move and its vines only reached 30 feet.) However, Hunny charged in with Pumba to attack. Ruick and his horse were dragged in and his horse was devoured in a spray of blood. Pumba too was eaten, sending Hunny into a blind rage. She hacked and slashed, and was pulled into the tree’s mouth, where she hacked it apart from within as the rest of the party pelted the tree with spells and arrows. As they fled, the forest was engulfed in flames. Croak saw it burn from the distance and sent the Pegasus back to Esterway with a note to get help. Then he leaped into the Chasm.

As the moon rose on the horizon, the party reached Lamure, a sleepy town overlooking the Grand Leak.

Finally, they will confront Zeke, the Herald of Leviathan. If they fail to stop the cult’s ritual, the world will drown this very night.

Hunny: “Hey guys, can we just let the ritual happen? I want to see the dragon turtle fight Leviathan. Kaiju battle!”

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